Fizzies Root Beer Drink Tablets

Fleeper and I are trying these after finding them in her bread container in the middle of the night. Her mom is always buying her strange shit and it's relatively awesome.

Fizzies label themselves as "effervescent" tablets. I don't know if that means they're one molecule away from being ecstasy, like how margarine is one molecule away from being plastic or some shit, or if they're just inexplicably flamboyant. Either way, they look like giant horse pills, the rectal kind, or Alka Seltzer, and come in wrappers that make them easily mistakable for condoms. Yummy.I want a condom called "Fizzies," by the way. Put it on my freaking Amazon wish list, fer cryin' out loud.

Anyhoo, Fizzard the Wizard tells me some magic spell that makes it root beer. I have a sneaking feeling the spell is "sodium bicarbonate," but who am I to judge? And I'll be damned, it fizzes and starts turning the color urine, first healthy pee, and then infected, bender at an opium den, haven't had a drink in days, urine. We'll find out if it turns into root beer. Boy, Fizzard, you are magic. And also addicted to Fizzies, apparently, to the point of anonymous cock-sucking dependency for a fix. On the FAQ page, it asks, "Is it possible to get addicted to Fizzies?" to which Fizzard replies, "No, Fizzies are not habit-forming, unless you're a wizard like me." Yeah, like a crack wizard. Shit, man!The tablet takes a while to dissolve, maybe roughly a minute or two, and then it's basically done. It spews out a nice foam that does actually look like soda, and dissolves pretty well. And it does taste like root beer. Granted, that root beer is the type from Chuck E. Cheese's and is laced with the souls of small children and pedophilic mice, and also tastes watered down and terrible, but damn it, it's root beer and I drank it. It's very sweet and not very fizzy. If I had to choose a soda to take my virginity, it would be this soda. It's gentle. Blue Razz probably rapes in the night.

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