Graham Cracker Moo Kids Chocolate

This is not a children's site.

I mean, I'm the first to admit it. I write almost all of my reviews naked, or when I'm feeling dandy, in a pair of boxers. I can regularly reference my awesome sex life just as easily as I can write about gourmet potato chips, and I curse about as much as a fucking taxi driver.

So it's not really child-safe. There are bright graphics and photos of delicious edibles, but it's really more of a site for the gently educated, yet inquisitive adult. However, due to my recent website statistics, my publicist tells me I need to reach the highly coveted 9 mo-12 years, white, mildly obese demographic in order to keep up website hits. None of this is true. But I got a sample of this chocolate for children at the Fancy Food Show and felt like reviewing it.This bar is made of entirely organic ingredients and is filled with graham cracker. When I eat it, I feel like I'm chewing on a limb of nature herself, possibly even a leg. The bar is divided into decidedly anti-child pieces, four large chunks that could easily choke an elephant, much less a spoiled toddler donning J. Crew.The chocolate in this is sweet, but doesn't really have the richness of Swiss chocolate or a high quality milk chocolate. It simply falls in flavor and has the standard, one-note, sugary taste of chocolate syrup and nothing more. In my exuberant need for this to replace the Wonka Bar, I had extremely high expectations for the filling of this, namely, the graham cracker element. While it delivers in crunch here and there, a weak textural irregularity is all you can feel. There's no solid crunch of graham, and no real taste influence in the overall flavor of the chocolate. It is, for all intensive purposes, simply there in the air.

Similar to my brief stint in amputee-related pornography, the satisfaction in this chocolate bar is ephemeral, and like the cum-stained days of my legless past, lingers on my palate and leaves my mind heavy with thoughts, nay, dreams, of what could have been. If I had a child, I wouldn't bother giving them this, opting for only the finest Swiss chocolate and laudanum bar money could buy. Save this for the Whole Foods hipsters and get yourself a Hershey bar. Or better yet, an Amano.

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