King Car Yogofresh

Swagger speaking. On yet another routine trip to the Asian grocery, I caught this sketchy bottle in the corner of my eye. The badly drawn picture of what I can only think of as an Asian representation of Andy Roddick called out to my curiosity and pulled my hand to reach for the bottle. Before I knew it, I was out of the store less $1.30 in my pockets and with this drink in hand.

The bottle itself is not very descriptive of when one should drink this strange beverage. Being a yogurt flavored drink; I thought it would be some sort of breakfast supplement. Upon further investigation I was able to find that the drink itself had consistency close to a bottle of water rather than a milk based drink. Not knowing what to think, I went by the picture on the bottle and came to the conclusion that it should be consumed after some sort of strenuous activity, such as tennis. Being too well dressed for any sort of sport at the moment, I decided on the next best thing, some hardcore Halo on Xbox Live against random internet 12 year olds.I feel that the vocabulary of some of these potty mouthed children can also be used to describe my experience with this strange drink so here are a few select phrases.

“Here comes a tea-bagging and I never wash my balls!” – Well, I’ve never had the awful experience of being tea-bagged but I do have a good sense of personal hygiene and I do know that the scrotal sack will get sweaty and if you don’t wash it and it will become quite funky. In fact that’s a word I’d use to describe this drink “FUNKY”. The liquid itself was very watery and tasted very watery too. Imagine someone took a tablespoon full of vanilla yogurt then watered that down then left it in the sun for a few hours. It didn’t taste too good, but still drinkable, kind of funky.

“You camping piece of shit! When I find you I’ll fuck your mother in the ass with a chainsaw!” – What aggressive words for a 12 year old, oh gosh. Well, for those of you who don’t know what a camper is in the world of videogames, it’s someone who hides and gets kills and doesn’t go away unless you take drastic measures. This drink is somewhat the same as a camper. There is an after taste that is of bad tasting vanilla yogurt that really won’t go away no matter how much water you drink. The only real way to get rid of the bad after taste is to drink more of this the strange drink or to have a nice healthy dose of Listerine to burn it away.

This drink didn’t make me feel more refreshed or revitalized as the bottle would have led me to believe. I don’t know what the nutritional value of calcium or vitamins this offers compared to milk but if I was poor and desperate enough, I could see myself getting this versus a nice bottle of blue Gatorade.

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