Ciao Bella Key Lime Graham Gelato

Happy 4th, readers! The weather here was gorgeous and the snark was at an all-time high. We were slangin' dick jokes and Pioneer Woman potshots until the sun went down. And then we made grilled shrimp nachos. You're jealous. It's okay. For dessert, we had some wonderful baby truffles and some of this new gelato that we picked up at Stop and Shop the other day. Ciao Bella makes a lovely gelato. I'm not sure why I haven't had more exposure to their flavors. Probably that ice cream hang up of mine.
In any case, this is their key lime graham flavor. Pies with graham cracker crusts rank roughly three spots ahead of Cheetos and one spot below hamburgers in the ultimate comprehensive list of "foods that will most likely contribute to my untimely demise," and if the pie's crust is made of Oreos, you can automatically move it up four spots, knocking out both nachos and cookies. Pretty intense stuff there. I think my cardiologist's suicide note is somewhere around here. Might have used it as a coaster for my milkshakes. Ciao Bella's website describes it as "temptingly tart and ultra smooth." These words, along with the phrase, "the nest of delicious" have also been used to describe my lady bits. True story. And also, holy shit, their website intro is long. I had to get up and stretch during a pivotal point in the gelato-based photo montage. Can anyone fill me in on what flavors gelato-slurping girl and apathetic blonde man ended up picking? The tantalizing siren's song of the blood orange? The sultry lapdance of s'mores? Either way, the tag line "slurp, share, fall in love" made me feel like I was at a summer blockbuster. Five stars. I'm smitten.
The gelato is quite smooth, with a less greasy used car salesman vibe, and has a uniformity that I'm not sure I quite agree with. Speaking from experience, I like chunks in my ice cream and in my vomit, and this was just a little too smooth for me to experience the high of eating a key lime pie just like a dementia patient would. I want irregularity. A little variety in my pie-riety. The graham cracker flavor was there, in a very weak aftertaste, and the texture is gone. While I won't stoop to making a second Nazi reference in a row here, I will mention that this gelato is a little too perfect and pure, almost like another post-economic failure nightmarish dystopia where perfection is valued over humankind. What? What? I'm talking about Gattaca, you dicks.
There is a yogurty flavor to this that I wasn't pleased with at first, but ended up tolerating. A tartness and tangy mouthfeel, like buttermilk. Not too sweet. I suppose what really irks me is that the flavor reminded me of a frozen, creamier Yoplait, but with twice the calories and fat. I suppose I could pull the world's lamest switcheroo and crumble graham crackers into my frozen yogurt, but what's the point? With flavors like these, if you're going to have 270 calories and 14 grams of fat in a 1/2 cup serving, pull out all the damned stops, make your ice cream taste like a damned pie, and cram the pint full of graham crackers. We're not buying this for health conscious reasons. Foods like this are tasty, but leave me questioning my personal tolerance for indulging in things that are billed as high quality with none of the end satisfaction.

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