On a recent trip abroad, I was the proud recipient of the ultimate gift, the one alone to single-handedly piss off all Fundamentalists, children's bible camps, and Overeaters Anonymous graduates everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Marks and Spencer Reversy Percy Super Sticky Gums.
Percy Pig is a beloved childhood character of the 90's reincarnated in gummy form. I say reincarnation in the most ironic of ways, for it is with each gummy that you can taste the essence of Percy. Seriously. The third ingredient is pig gelatin. Taking a look at the package, we see Percy with his hooves swollen in grief over his head. Someone has decided to take Percy, lop off his head, and in a remarkable feat of human deviation, turn it inside out and use it as a mask a la Saw, or perhaps for their own personal, Leatherface-esque fantasy. In the words of the pitiful Percy, "it's just wrong!" And it says so right on the package. Also note that they are super sticky gums, presumably from all the blood and innards. Metaphorically, this could be a cry for help. Is Reversy Percy some sort of twisted alter-ego of the gentle Percy England knows and loves?
On second thought, maybe I'm overthinking this. Percy, clearly alive and well, is sitting in front of the barn he inhabits, but is covering his eyes while moaning how wrong the Reversy Percy is. Wait a minute. The barn door's translucent panel reveals the decapitated, reversed pig heads. Percy alive. Pig heads. Shit. Percy isn't the victim, he's the killer. And you, dear shopper, or child, or grandmother, has just found out his terrible secret. You've opened the door to the proverbial barn, and have found it full of pig heads. He's distraught and moaning that it's just wrong because...
Well, with that out of the way, onto the taste of the gummy. Unfortunately after dissecting the symbolism behind the Reversy Percy, I've lost my appetite for eating tiny, chewy pig heads. Percy's ears remain intact, but, as Keepitcoming notes, have the look and texture of bacon fat. His wholesome, reassuring face smiles out from the gummy. As I pop him in my mouth, I am hit with a sudden rush of anxiety, for I know that death awaits us all, some in the form of natural causes, some in the form of decapitated pig accidents. Or maybe it's just a sugar rush. But then, a revelation. This is delicious! Reversy Percy is totally harmless. In fact, he tastes like fresh cherry juice. He's not too sweet and has a thick, fleshy texture similar to that of actual flesh. A horrible part of me wishes he was filled with a sweet, red liquid. The admonition of super stickiness is not to be heeded. He feels like every other gummy on the market, and with the added exception of being delightfully appropriate for Halloween or Charles Ray Hatcher's birthday next week.
We're taking pity on our remaining Percies and are placing them into witness protection, where they will lead a carefree, safe life filled with love and gummy families. The original Percy was apprehended and taken into custody earlier today. A unanimous jury convicted him of roughly over 12,000,000 counts of murder based on the 12-15 heads per bag, and he was placed in solitary confinement with no chance of conjugal visits from a Ms. Penny Pig.
Labels: 9, candy, snack