I both simultaneously love and loathe fairs. I reserve a special place in my heart for fairs that center around one hyperspecific theme, like corn or apple dumplings. In fact, it's the very same place I house my adoration for foil-wrapped chocolates with delicate designs, wet cats, and grainy footage of true crime caught on tape. When I encounter one of these themed fairs there's only one goal in mind for me: eat everything. Potato Fair? Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick them in a stew while reciting terrible memes. Hot sauce fair? You can guarantee I've signed up for a donor tongue six months in advance. STD Fair? I'll get them all.
And then there are those dinky fairs. These are the fairs that have a just-released ex-con making cotton candy with free embedded sugar cubes and rides on half-dead ponies if you're lucky and don't score the full-dead one. The best thing at these fairs is typically soft-serve ice cream or if all else fails, eating the entry ticket you came in with a scoop of pilfered nacho cheese. Recently I came across the latest limited edition Festival Fun Frosted Vanilla I-Scream Cone Pop Tarts, a fair-riffed lineup whose product line disappointingly does not include anything inspired by deep-fried/powdered sugared/cheese-stuffed/vomit-smeared anything.
This is apparently so limited edition that it doesn't even exist on the Pop Tarts website. What does exist on their brilliantly insulting website is one bored web designer who apparently flunked Grammar 110. "Joylicious" still makes me want to bury my head in a Flannery O'Conner novel so I can remember that yes, I do no how 2 red @nd spel. I was originally going to review this for Nostalgia Week until I remembered that Pop Tarts were never really a part of my childhood. I both envied and pitied the kids who wound up with those in their lunchbox. So, here they are, along with the rest of the loveable rag-tag team of rebels that make up this site. The I-Scream Cone 'Tarts consist of vanilla ice cream flavored filling, chocolate frosting with sprinkles, and a waffle cone base.
Cold, these taste rancid. All the flavors meld together into something that I imagine diabetes tastes like and the sprinkles leave a bitter aftertaste. Crumbly, flavorless crust, and the filling looks like something Krusty the Clown would leave behind in a bathroom stall. Strangely spongy and airy. It feels less substantial than most Pop Tarts I've had, and even I can't believe I typed that phrase with a stone-cold straight face.
Toasted, these offer a little more in the ice cream flavor department. The outer shell is crispy, and it has a light, caramel-tinged toastiness that actually did a fairly good imitation of a waffle cone. Unfortunately, the icing burnt very easily and had a dry, crackly texture aided in no part by the mid-section, which had disappeared. So basically, your 190 calories buys you a burnt waffle cone flavor. Pop Tarts, I am disappoint.
Labels: 3, breakfast, snack