Does the idea of following through with a recipe send you into
a shock so cataclysmic that you enter a catatonic state? Are you so fearful of
measurements and temperatures that your psyche literally shuts down? If so,
Dole Fruit Crisps may be diagnostically appropriate for you. Filled with chunks
of real fruit, a delicious oat and brown sugar crisp, and the comforting,
calming effect of a Valium placebo, these innovative instant desserts allow you
to escape to a blissful, premade fantasy world both inside your mind and mouth.
Dole sent over a selection of their new Fruit Crisps, along
with a pair of fluffy socks, a cozy scarf, and an aromatic candle specifically
for this purpose.
I'll admit, I was confused at first- did they want me to eat the Fruit Crisp or seduce it? But on a more serious note, I’d like to personally thank Dole for
rescuing me from the brink of this existential suicide. I, too, was afraid to
cook or bake because I saw no point in the exhaustive motions and eventual,
self-hatred motivated caloric binge, but now I don’t have to. Not only does
each Fruit Crisp only have 120 calories, it actually tastes like dessert.
As many critics drink water or eat a neutral food so their
palate is objective and cleansed, so did I with the supplemental comforting
clothing, stripping down to nothing but the scarf and comfortable socks.
observed both to be very cozy and was immediately lulled to a relaxed state, as
they reminded me of beds and grandmothers, with the notable exception of my
lonely nudity. I lit the candle, too (from a local New York candlemaker, which
I wholly commend) and within mere hours, my studio was filled with the
tantalizing scent of fresh apple crisp.
Bam, it smelled like I actually did
something for three hours. I felt accomplished and very cozy. With that in mind, I highly recommend setting the mood in such a fashion.
Then, I cracked open the Fruit Crisp. I decided to try Apple
Cinnamon, as I was feeling frisky and spicy from all of the new things I’d done.
Dole recommends trying their Fruit Crisps warm—personally, I prescribe them
Frankly, there’s no other way they should be eaten, as the difference
in heating is the difference between crying yourself to sleep and writing a
motivational Tweet. They taste awful when they’re cold. But warm, these are
The fruit is soft, and the base sauce, though weirdly gelatinous, is
filled with spices and lets the flavor of the apples shine through without overpowering
The crisp is heavily spiced in this – I can’t speak for the other
flavors, but in this one, it was perfect, with a heavy cinnamon and nutmeg
flavor. Dole nailed all of the aspects of a crisp in bite-sized, two-minute form.
hunger and mental stability are back to a maintained, relaxed state. Thanks,
Dole! Remember, do not use Dole Fruit Crisps if you are in any way sensitive to delicious fruit, dazed with ennui, or allergic to fluffy, fuzzy socks.
Labels: 9, dessert, fruit, snack