DAY 3: The Awakening
No photos. Camera too heavy.
6AM: It was a
wonderful, spa-like two days. I danced with unicorns in the center of Westport,
Connecticut, and took the Honda out for a spin in Southampton before my
deep-tissue massage. Juice cleanses are wonderful. They rejuvenate you—I don’t
look a day over 12 now.
Then I woke up this morning after a sleepless night and
realized that I ran out of money and went over budget. This must be what it
feels like to be Ty Pennington. I found $3.60 in coins on my bookshelf and in
the cup holder of my car and, inexplicably, in the bottom of a glass of wine, and
bought some lemon juice and spring water with it. I’m kicking it old school
with a gallon of water and a head full of crazies. I have Tabasco sauce and
maple syrup in my fridge, so I’m taking today to start the Beyonce diet.
Apparently, it tastes like Beyonce. I’m pretty sure that if I drink this all
day, I’ll start to hallucinate Beyonce, so it’s worth a try.
This tastes disgusting. Four pounds of brownies arrived in
7AM: I don’t feel
hungry, but that’s mainly because I don’t feel anything but cold. Juicing is
the equivalent of flushing a coffee-maker out with vinegar, except in this
case, I’m the idiot who flushed a coffee-maker out with vinegar. My corpse will
be squeaky-clean when I finally succumb to the sweat chills and diabetic coma
of too much fruit sugar.
7:30AM: I keep
phasing in and out of sleep. I’m going to die in my sleep, alone and bloated
with beet juice and Tabasco. Ew. This is going to be like the end of a
Richardson novel. I’m going to literally die penniless, malnourished, and
delirious outside a Whole Foods. That’s basically the plot of Clarissa, right?
I hate lemons. I hate cayenne. I hate water. Every sip of this foul beverage
tastes like I’m ingesting my own stomach acid.
8:30AM: All the
single ladies, put your hands up. Now put them over your hearts and promise
that you’ll never date someone like me. Juice cleanses are murderous. I thought
I saw my own blood at the bottom of my “#1 Dad” tumbler, but it was really just
a clump of hot sauce. I swallowed it anyway and now my throat aches. This time,
tomorrow, I’m going to house a plate of tamales like I’m selling them prime
beachfront property in Miami.
9AM: I almost
broke. I went to grab a yogurt with my final dying breath, but upon opening it,
discovered it was partially frozen from the inconsistent temperatures of my
refrigerator. The universe is testing me.
12PM: HOLY CRAP,
I ATE A BOWL OF CHILI IN MY SLEEP. There is an empty bowl in my sink and it
looks like I murdered a squirrel with my mouth. Betrayed by my own body.
7PM: You guys,
food is amazing. It gives you so much energy! 300 calories on the elliptical
without breaking a sweat. I feel like I could crack a nut with my glutes. Food,
guys. No more juice.
TOTAL CALORIES: 1,700
$ total spent: $50,
and with the gift card, $75 for three days of juicing.
Compare to: $180
for three days on Blueprint, and $130 on three days of Evolution Fresh.
Weight lost: 4.8
+4 street cred on my OkCupid profile