Some days you wake up feeling like a tool. Your apartment is
not yet ready, leaving you stranded in your childhood basement bedroom,
and you are on a gluten-free diet the instant cupcake-flavored Goldfish
and key lime cookies rear their ugly, delicious heads on the shelves. Your current apartment may look like a warehouse, the kind used in mafia films.
Unfortunately, you are no Tony Soprano. You are wearing a t-shirt from
your local police department and are constantly on the verge of smelly
tears.
And some days are okay. Like today. The sun
is shining, your cop shirt accentuates your slender calves and newly
shorn buzzcut, and you have eggs and bacon for breakfast along with a
new yogurt. What kind of yogurt? Why, it's Yoplait Cosmopolitan!
This spring's latest issue is pink and trendy, and boasts a catchy 'in season for a limited time' sticker on
the front- just like those awful sunglasses you're wearing. It's
totally worth the $11.99, especially considering how it mimics its
inspiration. Really, it's incredible how many details they managed to
fit in. The color of the yogurt is pink, like the dress Megan Fox wore
88% better than Rosie O'Donnell, and mimics the hue of your man's cheeks when you tell him you want to abbhhzzzzhhhhbb your bbzzzhhbbt
in his errbbbzzzbt with a rrrbbbuuuuurrrdkkkyyy. It's chalky and pasty,
almost as if you were taking pages of the real Cosmopolitan and were
shoving them in your mouth in between sips of the new chia vanilla
smoothie to tone your buns. (p. 79)
The
container is a little awkward- it's not as large as the full-sized
Yoplait yogurts, yet somehow has the same amount of calories, 170. It's squat and thick, like Kim Kardashian, lacking that pop of the original containers. The
flavor is zingy and clever, reminding me of the clever sex tips in
Cosmopolitan, especially the one about how to sex your sex sexily in the
sexiest-
Hang on.
Nobody wanted to
tell me? This is inspired by the drink. The goddamned Cosmopolitan, the
drink of the besmirched Carrie Bradshaw. Well, this yogurt tastes
enough like cranberry and lime- it's pretty tart, but it'll take more
than 170 calories to work off the shame of this confusion. In conclusion, Yoplait Cosmopolitan makes a better magazine than it does a social lubricant. Back to the basement.
Labels: 3, breakfst, diet
