Gü Puds Chocolate and Vanilla Cheesecake

I. Have. Been. Looking. At. These. Forever. I kid you not. These look like they came straight from an Ina Garten stuff-in-jars-the-equivalent-of-a-down-payment-on-a-Porsche photoshoot. They're adorable and sleek in design while still managing to pack a metric lardton of calories into a small, reusable jar. Go green, everyone! I love them. And now they're here. Gü Puds Chocolate and Vanilla Cheesecake may not seem like the most exciting or the most intriguing flavor out there. It was, however, the only one I could afford on my meager student's budget of Gauloises, coffee, and KFC. This dessert features a chocolate crust base with a vanilla cheesecake filling and chocolate ganache on top. Mouth party, meet ecstasy! I screamed to no one in particular in the quiet of my apartment.
Except that before the mouth party, someone switched my ecstasy with baby aspirin. Is this it? My $3.00 didn't buy me much. Not so much in terms of quantity, as I found this was sufficient enough dessert to last me a few hours or so, but more in terms of pleasure. I felt like I paid for a Ferrari and received a Mystique. The dessert had this irritating aura of seeming homemade, and not in a gourmet or nostalgic way, but a half-assed, 4th grade bakesale fashion.
The crust was crumbly and messy with a floury, bland flavor and dry texture, completely separating from the two wet components and managing to flake all over the place with each spoonful like faulty confetti. The cheesecake and chocolate ganache were one and the same: slippery, sweet, and milky, but little else to them aside from color differences. Pretty boring and quasi-industrial, like something you'd expect to receive in a dining hall or complimentary buffet at a casino.

I really expected more from Gü Puds. I'd been hyping them up in my own mind for years and wanted the insides to match the sleek, polished package, label design, and imaginary baker named Fred. I'm happy to give these another try and suspect that I may have to upgrade to the larger packages. I'll be curious to find out if the individually packaged ones are Gü's diffusion (Güffusion?) line or if they are all of similar quality.