Pretzilla Pretzel Rolls

HOLY SWEET PRETZEL, I FOUND THEM.
Or rather, they found me.
But allow me to back up. A few months ago, I posted a rather inflammatory review of Arnold's Pretzel Rolls, decrying the trials and tribulations of not being able to goddamned find a decent goddamned pretzel roll in this goddamned state without traveling to goddamned Brooklyn and consorting with hipsters to get some crispy, salty goodness. #firstworldproblems Pretzilla, a Milwaukee-based company, stepped in with all the debonair of Fonzie pushing aside Ralph Malph at a malt shop and offered to send me a selection of their pretzel rolls to see if they met my rigorous expectations.
Spoiler alert, they totally did. In the noble words of Jay-Z, "if you can't respect that, your whole perspective is whack." I'm impressed by hubris, but I'm even more impressed by the product behind it. As you saw in yesterday's recipe, they demonstrate their versatility in a multitude of ways, from breakfast to dessert. We have been eating them all weekend and are already planning to order more. Think of the best challah bread you've ever had- the sweet eggy flavor and honeyed aftertaste. Now purchase two round-trip airplane tickets to Milwaukee and woo it in a week-long whirlwind tour, kissing it with salt and a thicker, more robust crust. We'll always have Wisconsin, challah. And from that journey comes this pretzel bread. It is yielding, yet tough, holding up to all manner of toppings and condiments. Each roll has a thick, perfectly chewy outer crust- slightly deceptive as its innards are as fluffy and sweet as can be.
We tried this with everything. We were exhaustive in our research, leaving no stone unturned. There is no condiment too messy, no meat too succulent that this cannot handle. Each roll soaked up its sauces and still remained chewy and contained, never falling apart before the end of a sandwich. It was perfect for everything from a cranberry apple turkey sausage and mustard breakfast sandwich to a chipotle chicken sloppy joe and bread pudding, too.
Pretzilla squashes the competition under its massive, powerful flavor and gives the other brands a serious run for their money. I've found my ideal roll and I couldn't be happier.